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Tag Archives: fear

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Ok so here is the skinny – tomorrow I am embarking on a 21 day Crazy Sexy Adventure Cleanse that is sure to rock me to the core. For the past year and I half, I have been tossing around the idea of going plant powered (veganism) to get me through each day. It was a decision that was met with criticism from myself and that every eager voice to pipe up and tell me (along with a few other people in my life) that I can’t do it, that its too hard.

The truth is that I, for the previous 27 1/2 years was powered by cheeseburgers and chocolate cake and an intense fear of feeling anything. I used food as my shield, as my protector, as my guidance and escape and now looking back can see a sad un-passioned young woman just looking to love herself.

The constant back and forth of inhaling a cupcake and then turning around and skipping meals to make up for it, the self loathing for allowing myself to give in to the constant urge to numb myself. Well the last year and half has been exactly the opposite – searching to un-numb my soul and food was the last and most scariest task to tackle.At the end of the day all you pile onto your plate is fear and oppression, wishing for something more beautiful,  hoping that one day will be different.

So now after reading and teasing myself about everything vegan, I have decided it is time. Time to stop waning for the ‘right’ opportunity when we don’t have a wedding to go to. The time is now and couldn’t be more serendipitous as I embark on a very very important month in my life. So loaded with veggies, green smoothies and green tea, I am changing my perspective and releasing those fears as I go, ready for my soul to shine even brighter, to ignite with more passion as I release all the junk that’s been built up for the past 29 years.

So here is to peace and veggies as Kris Carr would say

xo nicki

Turning off the chatter….

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Good morning my gorgeous sisters. I am a week and a day away from launching my new site (fingers crossed) and I could not be more ….. afraid. Oh those nasty self criticizing voices in my head have again kicked it up a notch to tell me that this, everything I am sharing, starting this business is well…ridiculous. That I am going to go out there exposed and raw and everyone is going to laugh at me. And well because I know when feelings like this come up – stop, feel them, question them and then create a new story. Here is an excerpt from my journal that I wrote late last week

August 24, 2011
” I can feel this whirlwind within my right now. The questions, the hesitations – they keep floating around the walls of my tummy like a red fiery ball of flames ‘can I actually do this?’, ‘will anyone actually take me seriously?’ ‘will they think I am a fraud?’ now I know this feeling, I know how to extinguish the ball of flames, I know the truth. but regardless as each new day approaches, I seem to feel more & more uneasy – the fear keeps screaming ‘don’t do it – do not be vulnerable – they are going to reject you’. There are a million reasons why I don’t think I can do this and just one reason why I believe I can. I just need to stay connected to that one reason because that reason is and always be ‘my truth’, not anyone elses truth, just mine, my gift. I have spent the last ‘too many years’ listening to the million reasons and ignoring the one, but no longer. I am acting anyways & this feeling many not get any better but that won’t slow me down ~ it won’t stop me from moving forward because this is my calling – to go out into this world to be a mentor, to be a teacher, to write, to speak – to be the change and to do it in a HUGE way” 

So fear is rearing its ugly head yet again but regardless I know that pushing through that fear, doing what I am most vulnerable to do…. is where the magic lives. And I will never be able to conquer anything unless I can learn to live with that feeling – be comfortable with being uncomfortable, spread your wings and jump anyways.

xo nicki

Gettin out of that FUNK

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OK I am going to let you in on a little secret – sometimes my life isn’t all liquorice and lollipops and occasionally sh%t hits the fan. I had one of those days yesterday where I was just off. I couldn’t seem to shake it (yes I tried) off. No amount of affirmations, positive thoughts or meditation could get it off me. It was just there, like a green slimy sludge, and it was growing as the day went on. It was this uncomfortable anxious whirlwind circling around me – it was my ego telling me that I finally am getting the message “this is all just make believe and it is never going to happen” and so after countless hours of fighting the feeling and trying to remove it, I took a deep breath and realized I needed to surrender and embrace it.

Yes embrace it – fear was ruling me yesterday and most likely it was coming up because I had such a powerful day on Monday. My red hazard lights were going off like there was going to be a nuclear meltdown. So I decided instead to have a little chat with myself – a pep talk to my fear and it went a little something like this ” sister, I know you are scared sh&tless of what you are creating in your life right now, it takes courage to own your truth and build a life around it but its ok, we are going to be ok, in fact we are going to be amazing. I know you are just watching out for me and I am so grateful but we can’t stay small anymore, we are planting big seeds right now, seeds that are going to grow beyond our wildest dreams, so please don’t try to get in my way, please let me spread my wings a little bigger each and every day”

We are all going to have those days when you just feel off, you feel overwhelmed, you feel stretched, you question what is going on with your life and you just feel flat out funky.  Well not to worry or give up faith, just embrace those feelings of muckyness and get on with it. Allow yourself a moment to reflect on why they are coming up and gently tell them ‘i’ve got this’

xo nicki

The Mirror Inside

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Well it’s been awhile since the last time I sat down at the computer but I have spend the last couple weeks really looking inward and challenging some of my belief systems. I know how I want to live my life, but sometimes living it is a whole-nother ball game – and that is what I have spend the last couple weeks contemplating. Why? Why I am standing in my own way? Why am I allowing my toxic negative thoughts consume me somedays? Why do I have no problem talking negatively about some of the pessimistic people in my life?

When I have moments like I have had the last couple weeks, clarity begins to restore itself but it takes a long cold look at the mirror inside to see what it is I have been reflecting to the world – and it hasn’t been pretty. But the thing I love most is that it only takes one moment to completely change it. I like to get back to the basics of what I love – this weekend, I spent time in my garden, danced a little by myself, went to a hockey game with my family, baked some good for you cookies and changed the way I was feeling- because in all honesty, I have no business with being negative. I have far to many amazing people, who do nothing but fill me up with gratitude and love and things in my life to ever complain.

I have never understood why it is so much easier to talk about what we don’t have than what we do have – why is the basis of so many relationships built on tearing other people down? Why does complaining make us feel better for a moment? I can only chalk it up to fear – it takes so much more courage to stand against what everyone else at the water station is doing but this has become my new mission. I am only interested in going into this world with love, one step at a time. And I am only interested with talking to myself with respect- cause if you heard the way I talk to myself sometimes, people would truly wonder.

The key to life is not rocket science – it really isn’t – but it takes a great deal of courage and determination – just be happy. be grateful for what you have. be open to new opportunities. and walk this planet with love for every single thing around you. because life is just to damn short.

xo nicki